The Query Letter All Writers Want to Write … But Don’t Have the Squareballs
February 15, 2012
One particular day, after receiving a rejection letter (the first among many that I’ve never acknowledged) I got a little ticked. I mean, c’mon, I just spent three months banging out 120 pages of the best screenplay America has never seen.
A classic. A real beaut.
Think …
It has the heart of “Rocky,” the cherubic innocence of “Forrest Gump” and the underlying spirituality of “Gandhi.” (You are now getting very, very sleepy … get your checkbook out.)
A quick sale for sure.
I’ll be fair and take mid-seven figures against eight. Win-win! That’s my motto. But … what do I get?
A form letter.
But not just any form letter. A little, personalized, scribbled note was attached.
It said,
“You’re a good writer, but no real producer would touch this. Too much spirituality at the end. Think more commercial. How about bankers ripping off some people? And chases. Car crashes. Viruses. Diseases. They’re big right now. Oh – special effects. Magic. Need that too. Movies are all about special effects now. Don’t be such a smart writer. Dumb it down some.
Get some reviews from someone too – someone with a title would be great. Define what demographic market your film appeals to, what merchandising opportunities and ancillary revenue streams could be available.”
Okay, reasonable advice. Right? It was followed by this little mentoring tidbit.
Cartoons as Structure
“Watch cartoons to guide your story structure – they do it best. And watch movies where animals are the stars. Those are great dialogue-reducers. Relate it to movies you know. Something you can make a snap judgment on. Like “Legally Blonde” meets “Gandhi.” I am busy you know. Send me another query when you think you can meet my needs.”
Squareballs (that’s me) Ponders Reasonable Advice
( If you didn’t know … I’m the Flounder of Squareballs Entertainment)
Dialogue-reducers?
Meet his needs?
Dumb it down?
Basement Balcony Beckons
I stifled the urge to hurl myself off the basement balcony. It was tough. I bit my tongue, but did not overdose on 33 cheese coneys with extra onions, peanut butter, chocolate jelly (my favorite), mayonnaise, jalapenos and nuclear hot sauce.
But, being the consummate professional, I felt the need to follow up on his kind offer.
Here’s what I wrote back … and just for yucks, sent out to 50 other producers. (You think I’m kidding?)
_______________________________________________________________________
Dear Omniscient, Omnipotent, Odorivectorous Producer:
I have a recently completed screenplay titled “Pig and Turkey” – a classic como-drama that I would like to submit to your company for consideration.
Dialogue Reducers Introduced
Think Babe and Woody Woodpecker freeing Willie.
A pig and a turkey join together to save their farm from an unscrupulous banker who is trying to foreclose on the property because he wants to turn it into a non-profit gambling casino.
Brings in the Banker and Disease Simultaneously (and brilliantly I might add)
The banker leaks to the press that “Mad Turk’s Disease” has infested the animals on the property.
Mad Turk’s Disease is an awful virus that makes your hair and nails fall out, causes you to get really disgustingly big facial warts, engenders disgustingly bad breath and uncontrollable flatulence.
The Dastardly Banker
The banker tricks them into jumping the Grand Canyon on a tricycle with two wheels saying he will stop foreclosure if they complete the leap. The leap is televised worldwide (Pay Per View).
The dastardly banker saws the ramp in half and Pig and Turkey are hurled head and beak-first into the Grand Canyon to a certain death.
A terrible, gut-wrenching moment, sure to bring tears to anyone with the least bit of a heart.
Magic and Special Effects Covered
Just when Death opens its jaws wide to receive them, Turkey finds her wings and transmogrifies like a caterpillar into … … a bald eagle, but not just any bald eagle.
“Eagle Kneivel”
saving Pig and their farm.
Brings in Joseph Campbell
Pig and Turkey fight heroically to save their home and way of life while exhibiting upstanding morals and fulfilling the heroes’ mythical journey.
Pig and Turkey Fast and Furious (see the sequel potential you visionaries?)
Pig and Turkey zoom toward an unbelievable climax in a 32-car chase scene throughout 58 states (including Puerto Rico and Los Angeles).
Great Review
My great-grandmother, Elsie Grunewald, a retired English teacher and author of 11 unpublished novels, thoroughly reviewed the screenplay and thought it was the best thing she’s read since “War and Peace” By Leonardo Coldstoy.
She has prepared in-depth critiques and analyses for your review, and she has also meticulously choreographed the camera shots. POV by POV.
Tremendous Opportunity Spelled Out
To whom may I send this terrific, sure to be a runaway Academy Award winner nominee, 297 1/2 page screenplay?
Oops – Almost Forgot Demographics and Ancillary Revenue Streams
And … did I forget to mention that it will appeal to the family audience and has great ancillary market revenue potential utilizing dolls, toys, bacon, lettuce, and turkey sandwiches sold through … probably McDonald’s?
Regards, Steve
P.S. Contact me at my Grandma’s house.
Now is that a piece of work or what?
Sucks doesn’t it?
I got 10 requests to read the damn thing.
About Steve Kayser
Although Steve has won multiple screenwriting awards and publishes an award-winning B2B e-zine with 150,000 subscribers. Currently Steve is busy recruiting handsome, intelligent, bilingual pigs to audition for the lead part in “Pig and Turkey.”
If you are a handsome, intelligent, bilingual pig and are looking to break into acting, this may be your big chance. Contact Steve at skbigm@gmail.com
****Disclaimer****
NO EGOS! Must be able to get along with a turkey who saves the day … at least until next Thanksgiving!
Steve Kayser is an experienced PR & Media Relations Director, radio host and an award-winning business writer. His unique (some say bizarre) approach to PR, Marketing and Media Relations has been documented in a marketing best practices case study by MarketingSherpa, profiled as a “Purple Cow,” by author Seth Godin, and featured in the best-selling books, The New Rules of Marketing and PR by David Meerman Scott and "Tuned In: Uncover the Extraordinary Opportunities That Lead to Business Breakthroughs" by Craig Stull, Phil Myers, and David Meerman Scott.
Steve has also been featured in the following publications: A Marketer’s Guide to e-Newsletter Publishing, Credibility Branding, Innovation Quarterly, B2B Marketing Trends, PRWEEK, Faces of E-Content, and The Ragan Report. Steve's writings have appeared in Corporate Finance Magazine, CEO Refresher, Entrepreneur Magazine, Business 2.0, and Fast Company Magazine – among many others.. Google+
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Great stuff, Steve. Of course, you could always write a screenplay about a screen writer who receives a handwritten rejection letter with some really crap advice and sends out a cod treatment to 50 producers. The producers get into a bidding war to make the movie, which turns out to be a real turkey… End of story: wealthy screen writer and impoverished producer – everything turns out OK in the end.
Or perhaps not!
I don’t think Omniscient, All-Seeing, All-Knowing, Producer gets out much.
I saw 7 Pounds today and it was refreshing that it was not “commercial.” I’m glad you got Calvin to do the right thing – X marks the spot. Your Grandma sounds like a smart cookie and knows her stuff. At the end of the day, I think it’s another reminder that it’s what you know and who you know.
You’ve got sons of awesome visuals. Have you considered a visual storyboard of your screen play?
Omniscient and all-knowing mean the same. Sorry to be pedantic. It should maybe be omnipotent. But you are spot on about the dumbing down of movies.
Snort! OMG this is hilarious! I posted it on my facebook author page (pseudonym). Just another confirmation I made the right choice to start an independent publishing company!